Hatred we can manage. The tension of human nerves during noise, danger, and fatigue, makes them prone to any violent emotion and it is only a question of guiding this susceptibility into the right channels. If conscience resists, muddle him. Let him say that he feels hatred not on his own behalf but on that of the women and children, and that a Christian is told to forgive his own, not other people's enemies. In other words let him consider himself sufficiently identified with the women and children to feel hatred on their behalf, but not sufficiently identified to regard their enemies as his own and therefore proper objects of forgiveness.


But hatred is best combined with Fear. Cowardice, alone of all the vices, is purely painful—horrible to anticipate, horrible to feel, horrible to remember; Hatred has its pleasures. It is therefore often the compensation by which a frightened man reimburses himself for the miseries of Fear. The more he fears, the more he will hate. And Hatred is also a great anodyne for shame. To make a deep wound in his charity, you should therefore first defeat his courage.

C.S. Lewis-The Screwtape Letters

In the times where fear runs rampant, and courage runs the gauntlet; hatred becomes the sustenance of cowards.  To face fear with courage creates the ability to love.  Facing fear with cowardice spawns the debauchery of malice.   

If the manipulation of other people for the sake of control  becomes a means to success; exploiting fear by inciting hatred tastes not only palatable but delectable.  The bitter flavor of rancor is an acquired savor, but once a tongue becomes accustomed to it, a ravenous hunger for hatred consumes without remorse or regret.  

Thine owned self

Here is a given; it has taken everything I had to lose myself.  What is left does not feel right.  I compose my decompostion in a rotten place, and delay the sense of decay by my putrid behavior.

Things fall apart, the center can not hold anymore.

I rail against willful ignorance, but ignore my own.  Part of a bargain made long ago; based on the presumption that things are unbearable as they are, and changing things is beyond my ability to bear.

Unacceptable and inalterable co-exsist in the cloud of obliteration; clarity obscured by design.

On a clear day

“The evil in the world comes almost always from ignorance, and goodwill can cause as much damage as ill-will if it is not enlightened. People are more often good than bad, though in fact that is not the question. But they are more or less ignorant and this is what one calls vice or virtue, the most appalling vice being the ignorance that thinks it knows everything and which consequently authorizes itself to kill. The murderer's soul is blind, and there is no true goodness or fine love without the greatest possible degree of clear-sightedness.” 
― Albert Camus, The Plague

The fog of fear hangs heavy over the land.  People's vision seem obscured by the the dread of a changing America; their "good life" threatened by a shifting composition of neighbors and values.  Rather than embracing the evolution of society as a welcome opportunity for improvements and exploration, it has become a flashpoint for anxiety; change threatens rather than inspires.

This is no accident; it is a deliberate strategy devised to perpetuate the rule of the powerful at a deadly cost to the nation.  Feeding the flames of resentment, the corrupt masters of this universe seek to divide and keep conquered those upon whom their livelihood depends.  Portraying tribal warfare as a moral imperative masks the truth of this conflict; it benefits the few at the expense of the many, and tears the fabric of community.  The provocateurs transmute moral cowardice into virtue by proclaiming those who differ as deviant; and those who are not with us are unworthy of respect.  Attacking and debasing opponents becomes a sign of strength rather than self-serving weakness;  hating a badge of honor proudly displayed as proof of righteousness.

Willful ignorance does not become us; it envelopes and we become its minions.

The time of Daze

One of the incessant siren songs of my current existence calls out to me from my phone.  Whenever I have a moment to spare, all I need do is power up and unlock the device to receive small jolts of satisfaction.  Timesuck does not do this justice, for I can spend an inordinate amount of time doing little, and achieving next to nothing.  This seems to be indicative of my current reality; the power to do much, and the use of it to do trivia.  All for the greater glory of profit generation; incoherent actions are the order of the day.  Sometimes it feels as if this is an antidote to the toxic waste intravenously feed into my mind by my corporate overlords; other times, it is just a different flavor of poison.  One nasty taste obscures another; one kind of filth blots out something slightly more putrid.

The stench of the abattoir pervades the waking hours; to obliterate such smell requires compounds odiferous to the point of stupefaction- like cutting off my nose to prevent the reek from impaling my brain.  Time for an operating system upgrade?

Shift switch

It's sick the price of medicine
Stand up, we'll put you on your feet again
Open up your eyes just to check that your asleep again
President gas is president gas again
-Psychedelic Furs 

For the first time in over seven years, I am no longer working the day shift.  My wife has retired, and as such, there is no need to remain on the 4:30 to 3:00pm schedule.  I have endured the additional stress of dealing with management with detrimental effects on my health for the sake of our marriage, and now I am dealing with the stress of changing my life.  The toxic atmosphere created by the management team will, I hope, be lessened by the shift change, but it still is taking a toll.

Trying to maintain health insurance for us both has become the overriding controller of my behavior. My wife is still years away from medicare; and as such, the responsibility falls to me to maintain our coverage. This situation seems to resonate with the national debate over access to affordable health care; with our circumstances better than many, but not without difficulties.  When one is beholden to an entity without conscience or remorse; fixated on profit instead of the people it presumably serves, this creates a conflict difficult to resolve.  I see abuse and theft occurring on a daily basis, but to expose these behaviors risks the health and welfare of my family.  Due to the structuring of insurance in this country, I feel trapped in my position; unable to change my position without great hardship, but still uncomfortable in aiding and abetting a dishonest corporation.

This, I feel, is deliberate; a way to keep people in an untenable job, held hostage by a concern for protection against the devastating costs of uninsured illness.  For the reactionary rulers, this remains a godsend; thus their resolute resistance to national health care.  The tax incentives may be enticing, but keeping the collar around the neck of the public is far more important.

Daily dread

Once I had a place in dread; the daily movements of life inspired fear within my head.  I could never justify my existence and thus lived in a semi-constant apprehension that someone would decree my unworthiness fair grounds to exact the death penalty. To blur this knife edge I took to distractions- television, books, sleep, intoxication- anything and everything to numb the sensation of nettles in my skin.  It has finally faded somewhat, but with it, a portion of perception has also departed.  What is it worth, I wonder, to lose the pain by gaining a loss.  Sick, sick, the price of medicine- the cure has become worse than the disease.  The most galling aspect of the situation has become a lack of concern; a measured indifference to destruction.  Now I wonder what was so terrifying; what prompted me with such due diligence to unmake the essence I possessed.  I can't remember what I wanted to forget; I don't recall that which I tried so hard to put from my mind.

All I want sometimes is rest, but the rest that looms ahead darkens any illumination that might enlighten me.