Can't live with myself

http://joemygod.blogspot.com/2012/06/porn-star-erik-rhodes-dead-at-30.html

I don't pretend to know the gentleman in question, nor posess any great insight about the workings of the porn industry (gay or otherwise); but reading the story and the comments put me in mind of a couple of quotes I find appropriate. The first is from Dune Messiah: "A creature who has spent his life creating one particular representation of his selfdom will die rather than become the antithesis of that representation." Scytale said. The second is from Randy Newman: Guilty, baby I'm guilty And I'll be guilty the rest of my life How come I never do what I'm supposed to do How come nothin' that I try to do ever turns out right? You know, you know how it is with me baby You know, I just can't stand myself And it takes a whole lot of medicine For me to pretend that I'm somebody else Trying to justify our existence by adherence to an unrealistic self image is a sisyphean labor; fit for the hall of hades perhaps, but not for the earth we know. Combine this with a tendancy to turn people into products with a limited lifespan, and this narrative seems bound for a tragic ending.

In tox vacation

For most of my the life, the burdens of conscience and consciousness have proven heavy and
difficult to bear.  The experience  of unrelenting thoughts spinning through the pathways of my
mind becomes uncomfortable after a short period of time; prompting me to distraction and the
dulling of my senses.  Whether sleep, reading, television or various forms of chemical intoxication;
I have sought a release from what seemed painful and pointless- obsessing over the minuscule
movements of my thoughts.  Like most other purges, however, I now find the results worse than
the condition I hoped to cure.

The inability to organize my thoughts with clarity and concision; a task I once found easy enough,
has become increasing difficult and vexing.  My line of work rarely asks for complex verbal or
written logical formations, instead demanding my attention be fixed on small and seeming trivial
tasks; but that could prove cause for dismissal if incorrectly executed.  Plenty of stress; little deep
thought or intense reflection- this has proven a formula for mental degradation, and dullness.

When my chief form of recreation has become inebriation; I know this pattern of life can't be sustained, and I find myself increasing agitated at the prospect of an empty skulled existence;
battered about by my bouts of poison consumption.  Physical habits become entrenched, the slow downward slope of decay stretches before me; the future looks to be a dim and dank path I blindly
follow without destination or hope of rescue.

Culture of Contempt

Tyrone-

"I wouldn't give a damn if you ever displayed the slightest sign of gratitude. The only thanks is to have you sneer at me for a dirty miser, sneer at my profession, sneer at every damned thing in the world--except yourself."

Jamie-

"That's not true, Papa. You can't hear me talking to myself, that's all."

Long Day's Journey Into Night- Eugene O'Neill

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Training begins early. With the incessant hawk and hounding of advertising, even the youngest child learns the bitter taste of unrelenting want. The purported lack of goods, feelings, and acceptable facades leads to an inescapable conclusion: inadequacy. Without the mandatory perfection required to lead an acceptable existence; the individual assimilates failure as a fixed point of daily reference, and becomes tainted with the first dregs of self contempt. Forced to view the inability to conform to some unobtainable standards as a moral degeneracy; the loathing of one's essence is inextricably bound to the perception of the human condition.

Thus, rather than face the crushing burden of such degradation alone, there arises an insatiable longing to view others under the same ghastly illumination of debasement and despair. It remains far easier to drag others down into the mire than to try and raise one's self up; far less of an effort to inflict pain than to sow joy or inspire hope. Thus arises the vicious circle of mutally assured destruction; a round robin of spirt rending where no one wins anything but loss.

"He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser."

Nietzsche

gay, straight or what

As to the question at hand, gender roles should be made to serve an individual's needs, rather than diminish what one feels and thinks. The main use of categories seems to be convenience; a mental classification that limits understanding and empathy. Once a person can be reduced to a label(or thing), the cognitive resources allotted for comprehension are much reduced. People are not so much gay or straight as they are desiginated as such; thus the squabbling over definitions produces much heat, if not much light.

Who we desire, and love depends the person, not the preconceived notions we try to impose.

Selective Morality

The current political season entertains as well as informs; and few aspects amuse me more than the selective morality displayed by the Republican presidential hopefuls. Many have donned the mantel of Christian values as their treasured wardrobe; a garment cut from the cloth of American heritage and aspirations. Somehow this cloak affords protection from the admonishment of others, while simultaneously obscuring the vision of those thus draped.

Newt Gingrich may therefore speak about valuing conservative principles, while ignoring his own serial adultery. Rick Santorum rails against the immorality of secular society while neglecting to mention his wife unmarried sexual relationship with an abortion doctor. Mitt Romeny pontificates about individual initiative, while hiding millions abroad earned by inheritance and vulture capitalism.

The accusations about the immorality of others prompt derision when uttered by those unable to claim the high ground; their capacity for self deception denigrates their aspirations to the Presidency. If you want to preach morality to others, first look to your own house.

Time to be drunken

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/01/11/americas-drinking-binge/

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An article speaks about the binge drinking Americans; the prevalence on a massive alcohol inebriation wave sloshing through these United States surprises me not, in as much as it mirrors my own floundering. There are, of course, many types of intoxication and in this pernicious time and place the question has become one of naming your poison.

With fear seeping into the pores of our overabundant flesh, noxious fluids seem to have become the order of the day; whether a single glass of bourbon, a double shot of contempt or a six pack of bigotry. The liquid courage provides a coping mechanism for the dealing with dread marketed so deftly by the peddlers of apprehension; numbing our search for lasting solutions with the solace of short term incomprehension. From the whine of economic insecurities of an unstable and shrinking labor market, to the drone of international conflict and scrabbling for resources; the search for something to drown out the din has become ever more desperate.

Short of climbing on the wagon of fortitude, I see no other method of detox; switching spirits simply changes the nature of the buzz. Without a hand up of charity and understanding, the prospects of sobriety seem dim; but that may just be due to my own crapulence.

Cheers.

What love is this

There is a propensity of late to speak of love in terms of vengeance; as if our concern for the wellbeing of others is best demonstrated by the pain inflicted upon them. The idea of "tough love" displaying unbridled compassion by demeaning and debasing an individual for aberrant behaviors certainly has an appeal for many; as it allows us to vent animosity towards those variations of conduct which frighten and repel under the guise of charity.

What we find repugnant we frame in terms of immortality; thus giving our prejudice the mantel of divine wisdom. If we can not find the energy and responsibility to treat those we oppose with respect and empathy; resorting to degradation and dismissal is not a sign of love, it is merely the convenient contempt that prevents our own self evaluation and analysis.

True love creates an obligation, a duty to others that must not be overshadowed by egotistical selfishness and cowardice. If we can't take it upon our shoulders, best not to use the name.