Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Making my lack of voice be heard

One of the worst things about my long term employment is the gradual dulling of my
thoughts and emotions.  The constant grind of incompetent management and ever
increasing demands for production make my work days feel like long sessions of abuse,
and find my days off diminishing my ability to perceive the situation.

The threat of economic instability rests on my throat like a knife; invoking fear and a
longing to escape that dread by dulling myself.  I have a propensity to slip into
patterns of destructive behavior rather than rouse my intellect and emotions, and rally
against those threats that imperil my everyday existence.  This behavior was learned
at a time when, in my helplessness, I found little distinction in any of the choices
offered me.

Unfortunately, this learned helplessness functions as my null setting, and without vigilance it overwhelms and neutralizes  constructive behaviors- such as writing.  In many respects, I
have made a great deal of progress- a job, a home, and a wonderful wife, but I still deal
with a social situation that seems hostile and negating.

I guess the need for self expression is more important than I realized.  Time to work at
being me.