Daily dread

Once I had a place in dread; the daily movements of life inspired fear within my head.  I could never justify my existence and thus lived in a semi-constant apprehension that someone would decree my unworthiness fair grounds to exact the death penalty. To blur this knife edge I took to distractions- television, books, sleep, intoxication- anything and everything to numb the sensation of nettles in my skin.  It has finally faded somewhat, but with it, a portion of perception has also departed.  What is it worth, I wonder, to lose the pain by gaining a loss.  Sick, sick, the price of medicine- the cure has become worse than the disease.  The most galling aspect of the situation has become a lack of concern; a measured indifference to destruction.  Now I wonder what was so terrifying; what prompted me with such due diligence to unmake the essence I possessed.  I can't remember what I wanted to forget; I don't recall that which I tried so hard to put from my mind.

All I want sometimes is rest, but the rest that looms ahead darkens any illumination that might enlighten me.